Objects in the Rear View Mirror
by kirifox
Summary: When his childhood playmate and best friend dies, how does Jasper and his family cope? Will Jasper find himself lost and abandoned? Rated M for violence, limited harsh language, and perhaps some slash/lemon content.
1. Chapter 1 The End?

**I have just updated every chapter in this story, and added a new Chapter 8. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause, but I needed to correct some errors in order to continue the story properly. This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. I look forward to constructive criticism and ecstatic recommendations!**

**This is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper, I wouldn't have time to write. The song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. The plot line is strictly my own.**

**Objects in the Rear View Mirror**

**Chapter 1 - The End?**

I remember clearly the day I died, although I wasn't sure at first that I was dead. Three things happened, one after the other, but close enough together to be almost simultaneous: I felt incredible pain, followed by the absence thereof; My life flashed before my eyes, first slowly and then more rapidly as it continued; and, my best friend, my one and only love, my Angel, lifted me, held me against his chest, and assured me I would never hurt again.

I don't know exactly how the first sign originated. I had just entered my tiny efficiency apartment when a tremendous pain bloomed from the back of my neck. I heard screaming, my own, and drunken, coarse swearing, my Father's. I felt the sharp agony two more times, once in the middle of my back, near my waist, and again in my neck, and then the pain abruptly ceased. I didn't hurt any more, but I also couldn't seem to move. At that point, I was pretty sure I was still alive.

Then the second sign appeared. In movies and books, on TV and in popular literature, people talk about seeing their lives flash before their eyes, when it seems they may be at a particularly difficult crossroad in their existence. I saw it all: my earliest happy years, my sad years, and my terrible years. But people live to tell about the phenomenon, so I thought I might still be alive.

But the third sign sealed my fate. When my best friend, Edward, lifted me gently and spoke to me soothingly, then I knew. I knew I was dead because my first love, my only love, my comrade and best friend, had died in a fiery crash at the tender age of 17, as his motorcycle left the highway and plummeted from a cliff into the sea. I knew that Heaven was sending me my last wish. I saw the goodness shining out of him, as though he was illuminated from within, I heard his soft, distinctive voice, and I felt his fingers gently brush my hair back from my forehead, and I knew: I, Jasper Lee Whitlock, recently 20 years young, with all of my life ahead of me, was officially dead. As the darkness accepted me into its icy embrace, I was sure.

Yes…that was the day I died.


	2. Chapter 2 The Early Years

**This chapter have been slightly changed from the original. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. I look forward to constructive criticism and ecstatic recommendations!**

**This is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper, I wouldn't have the time or inclination to write. **

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**This story is written from Jasper's POV unless otherwise stated.**

**Chapter 2: The Early Years**

****

JPOV

Growing up, Eddie and I were brothers in arms. We laughed, we fought, and we were bound together in an eternity that we knew could only become tighter as the years passed. I was 6 years old when Eddie moved in next door. He was 7. We celebrated his eighth birthday the week after we met.

I often wonder now what he saw in the gangly awkward little kid that I was then, but he said I had an 'old soul.' He told me he could see many lives every time he looked into my clear grey-blue eyes. Even now, I am not sure what to make of his certainty, but that was Eddie. He was always cryptic, always enigmatic. His mind never seemed to reside in the mundane world of the here and now. No. He was an ethereal creature even then.

Eddie was tall and skinny, with unruly bronze colored hair and a constant grin. He looked at the world through his emerald eyes as though he wore rose-colored glasses. The eternal optimist, Eddie could turn any hurt, and every day, into an exciting adventure. We would lean into each other conspiratorially, my blonde curls mingling with his bronze mop, his green eyes focused on my grey ones, as we plotted the overthrow of the zombie army, or the speed and features of the newest bicycle in the sports magazine we found in his dad's bedside drawer. (We raided that same drawer for years after that, finding various publications that, as young as we were when we met, we still had no use for.) We had big dreams and even bigger plans, but our only certainty was that we would always be brothers, companions, and best friends.

We were so young and naïve that first year.

I remember my first fight with my Father like it was yesterday. (I was not allowed to call him 'dad' or 'pop' because those words were signs of disrespect he said. He was always Father, with a capital F.) My Father, a stern, unyielding, ex-marine, grabbed and pulled my hair violently as I walked into the house, because I had told mom I wanted to let my hair grow as long as Eddie's. Eddie's hair was touching his shoulders in wild waves, and I liked it a lot. My mom always thought my blonde curls were cute, and I liked making my mom happy, so I wanted my hair to hang down to my shoulders also. But Father told me that I was old enough, at seven, to have a man's haircut now and insisted that I would receive a buzz cut like his. I yelled at him and refused to get it cut. Hence, the fight. I lost. Father, after slapping my face and screaming at my mother that she was not fit to be a mother, marched me downtown to the barber's shop, where my golden curls were strewn across the floor as I cried. Of course, my crying didn't go unpunished either. When we returned home, Father locked me into my bedroom for 24 hours, with no food, water, or bathroom breaks. He told me he had to 'toughen me up' or I would be a sissy like my best friend. I was surprised, at that time, that he didn't just forbid me to see Eddie. Now I know there was method in his madness.

Of course, my fight with Father and subsequent haircut did not go unnoticed by Eddie. He tried to be kind and tell me that my hair looked great, but that only made me feel betrayed. How could he side with Father? It was only years later that I really understood what Father was doing. After I punched Eddie in his face that day, breaking his nose, I knew Father had planned things that way. In the years to come, as I look back now, I see that Father wanted me to have a place to take out my aggression on someone he considered weaker and unworthy. For years, I didn't realize that, after suffering abuse from Father, I would turn and heap that same abuse on my best friend. I still hate myself for the things I did then. And yet Eddie always forgave me and loved me, pretending that the monster I was becoming really wasn't my fault. He made up excuses to his parents, for all his bruises and wounds, so I would never get into trouble.

After the haircut fiasco, life returned to normal for a while. Eddie and I hung out after school together, usually at his house, where his mom gave us fresh-baked cookies and chocolate milk. We spent our time riding our bikes up and down the street, or playing video games in his room. Eddie was really smart, so he also helped me with my homework. I loved history and math, but just couldn't seem to understand the intricacies of science. Of course Eddie was perfect in all his classes, and being one grade ahead of me, knew the answers when I asked him questions. I still associate that time with warmth and joy and love. But that quiet interval was soon interrupted once again by Father.

We were playing out by the stream which ran behind our houses, when I heard my mother scream. We had been building a fort with some cast off boards and a hammer and nails we scrounged from Father's garage. I guess I wasn't as stealthy as I thought. I knew better then to touch Father's things but being a kid, I guess I didn't really see that it should matter too much if I just used something and then put it back. In our haste to rush off to play, I had left the tool box lid unlatched. Eddie and I ran back to my house, thinking that my mother may have fallen and hurt herself somehow, only to discover her on her knees in the garage, with Father's hand twisted violently into her hair. He shouted at her about not teaching me respect as tears ran down her face.

Stunned, we stood there as his evil grimace was directed our way. Then, with slow deliberation, Father dropped mom to the floor and stalked over to us, raising his hand to strike. I pushed Eddie out of the way, taking the full force of the blow across the back of my head. As my face hit the concrete and I landed in a heap at his feet, I screamed for Eddie to run, which he did. Father picked me up by my neck, punching me in the stomach and face, as he enforced his will on my eight year old frame. I learned that day to never, ever, touch anything that was not mine. Bruised and bloody, and vanquished to my room for 48 hours this time, all I could think about was how Father called Eddie a coward and reiterated time and again that Eddie would never care enough about me to ever stick up for me. Somehow, in my haze of pain and remorse, his words took hold. A week later, I punched Eddie several times in the stomach, and kicked him when he finally went down, for not helping me in the garage that day. When my rage abated and I realized what I had done, I begged for his forgiveness, and, just like the last time, Eddie forgave me and told me he loved me. He never told his folks about what happened this time either, just as he lied to them the first time, telling them he had fallen and hurt his nose. I look back now and wonder how different things might have been if Eddie hadn't been quite so loyal to me.

Life again, though not idyllic, seemed to go back to normal. I still had small blow-ups with Father, and I took them out, to some extent, on Eddie. But he always talked me down from my fear and rage, and always forgave me. As Eddie and I grew closer still, and spent every waking minute together, my Father and mother seemed to get a little more distant from each other. I guess I noted it in passing, but the full effect didn't really hit me until years later. Mom started staying in the guest room next to me, although at times I could hear arguments and crying coming from that room in the middle of the night. I never again saw Father's hand raised to her, but had I known then what Father was doing to her, I probably would have tried to kill him. But at ten years old, the intricacies and depravity of sexual assault were unknown to me. Mom became more and more distant, and thinner and thinner. She appeared older and moved slower, but always smiled sweetly to me when Father was not around. Father no longer seemed to notice that I was even under his roof, and I tried to keep out of his line of sight. He was drinking, I think, even then. I just remember that mom would hustle me out of the house quickly, and over to Eddie's, whenever Father was around.

One day, however, mom wasn't at home when I opened the door. Father was drunk and belligerent, and definitely in an abusive frame of mind. It seems that he had been caught drinking on the job and was fired. I happened to walk in shortly after he had returned home. He cussed at me, asking where mom was, and then proceeded to destroy the house as he attempted to get to me. Furniture and pictures, dishes and clothes littered each room, before I was no longer quick enough to evade his lunges. As he grabbed me and started beating me, all I could see were his cold, dead eyes. I passed out, thankfully, and only awoke hours later to beeping machines and my mother's tears. It was my eleventh birthday.

Mom, arriving home from grocery shopping, had found me on the floor that day, unconscious, and called an ambulance. Father was nowhere to be found. He literally, disappeared for a few years. I don't know exactly when he left, or where he went. He just faded into the city and even the police couldn't find him. In fact though, I didn't really care where he was. I was just glad he was gone and couldn't hurt us any more. Eventually I got out of the hospital and settled into life once again. My mom seemed to get stronger and happier after Father left. She no longer cried at night. We formed a tight bond of love and trust. I became her 'little man' and the 'man of the house'. I took that role very seriously and I vowed that no one would ever hurt her again. What a joke that turned out to be. But ignorance, as they say, is bliss.


	3. Chapter 3 The Middle Years

**This chapter has been edited. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. This is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper, I wouldn't have the time or inclination to write. **

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**This story is written from Jasper's POV unless otherwise stated.**

**Chapter 3 – The Middle Years**

**JPOV**

The years went by and Eddie and I matured. I was no longer a gangly, skinny kid. After Father left, our moms enrolled both Eddie and I in self-defense classes, swimming classes and karate classes, and we were running in the mornings before school and lifting weights a few times a week after school. I was beginning to fill out a little, and was getting a bit of definition in my abs and some muscles in my arms and shoulders. Even though I was more than a year younger then Eddie, I shot up in a growth spurt and was now a few inches taller then him. I had grown my hair out after Father left and it fell in soft curls down past my ears. Eddie had cut his hair shorter, but it was still long and wild on top. He was also gaining muscle mass and filling out. We were no longer boys, but young men. And from the comments I heard when we were at school or out running, we were pretty good looking young men at that. We were still inseparable.

Eddie and I joined the after-school swim team when he was 15 and I was almost 14. We both loved to swim and quickly found our places among the jocks at school. Kids started to gather around us when we were in the halls and the cafeteria, and slap us on the backs whenever we won our meets. Although we each developed a few tentative friendships, we were still chiefly interested only in hanging out together. At least, I thought we were. Being shy, I kinda kept to myself, but Eddie was eating up the attention. Things started to change then.

I was the only one who could call him Eddie now and only in private, and he seldom referred to me as Jay any more. Instead, he was now 'Edward' to everyone (including his mom) and I was always Jasper. The name changes were shortly followed by his change of attitude toward me. It wasn't too noticeable at first, so it took me by surprise when I realized that it was happening. When we were at school functions or at practice or swim meets, Edward started keeping a strange distance from me, and started hanging around other guys and girls more, excluding me in the process. I started running alone in the mornings and we no longer flung our arms across each other's shoulders as we walked to classes. He also discouraged us from having our gym lockers next to each other, saying he needed 'his space'. Actually we eventually stopped walking together to classes, and there were usually a few people between us now as we sat at the lunch table. I was feeling alone and neglected, but he refused to explain his actions, or lack thereof. Soon, even our time we used to spend weight training together ceased.

Of course, things were changing for me personally too. I had never been a particularly gregarious or outgoing kid, and I got shyer as Edward pulled away from me. I continued to work on my anger issues that Father instilled in me. I still had my bouts of rage, but usually was able to channel them into my karate sparring matches. I was getting in trouble with my Sensei a time or two every few months now, as I let my anger explode on another student. But Father's 'lessons' seemed to be fading a bit. It didn't mean my anger was gone, but I was attempting to bury it deep into my psyche.

Then Bella entered Edward's, or should I say our lives. They started hanging out shortly after Edward turned 16. Bella was 17 and a grade ahead of Edward, and two ahead of me. She was a pretty girl I guess; long brown hair and kinda wild brown eyes. But I have to admit, I didn't see the draw. She was clingy and almost domineering at times, when it came to Edward. And she had no time for me at all, scowling fiercely whenever I was around. That was fine with me. I didn't really like her much and tried to avoid any contact with her, because she was slowly taking Edward away from me. In fact, the more Edward pulled away, the more I started to hate her for it.

Bella had a car so she and Edward started taking off after school and swim meets and were together a lot on the weekends. She picked him up for school in the mornings and took him home after school let out. He asked me to cover for him with his mom, and I did…for a while. But as Bella got more abusive in her attitude toward me, and I got angrier at them both, I told Edward he was going to have to find his own excuses from now on. The distance between us continued to grow. Then, seemingly all of a sudden, Edward no longer had any time for me at all. I was confused and hurt by Edward's behavior, and started punching walls and picking fights again. Edward was my best friend! How could this be happening? I was soon enlightened by none other then Eddie's, I mean Edward's new best friend, Bella.

I didn't really think about what they were up to at first, but when I started hearing rumors from other boys about how much fun Bella was in the back seat of a car, I quickly figured it out. Yeah, I knew they were having sex, but, again, I didn't really see the draw. Don't get me wrong, I had urges too, but Bella just did nothing for me. I couldn't see what Edward saw in her. But they were always together. In the halls, Bella's arm was always around Edward's waist or her hand was hanging onto his wrist. She dragged him around like he was a puppy, and he let her. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he never had much to say, and if she was around, we usually ended up in a shouting match. He stopped coming over at all on the weekends, so the only time I saw him now was when we would pass in the halls or when we were swimming. He gave my seat at the lunch table to her, and I was banished to a corner table alone. Finally, after they had been together for about six months, she cornered me after school one Friday.

Edward was still in the locker room, getting changed from our swim meet, when I walked out into the parking lot to jog home alone. I had pretty much quit waiting for him, because I knew she would pick him up. In fact, I had pretty much stopped even trying to speak to him any more, because she was always there. So I am not sure what brought about our little confrontation. As I attempted to walk past her, Bella grabbed me and shoved me into the side of her car. Then she got right in my face and told me that I was "a fuckin' fag" and had to stay away from Edward or she would out me to the entire school. She slapped my face a few times, continuing to call me names, as she accused me of having 'inappropriate feelings' for Edward.

I couldn't move. I was stunned in disbelief. I don't think I had ever thought about Edward like that…in fact I had never really thought about anyone like that. Sure, I was having some morning 'problems' lately, and sometimes took care of business in my shower at home, but I never really put a face, or even a gender to my private times. Edward and I had stolen a lot of his dad's magazines over the years so I knew about visualizing women while jackin' off, but never found it particularly helpful to do so. Maybe I was oblivious in my own mind, but since getting off felt so good, why put additional stress on myself by forcing images into my head during the act. Okay, maybe once or twice Edward's face or body flitted through my mind, but he was my best friend after all.

I didn't know what to say to Bella when she started attacking me verbally and physically. Mom had taught me to never hit a woman, but I sure was close that day. I screamed at her that she had no fuckin' clue what she was talking about. She continued to berate me, telling me that she knew I was trying to take Edward away from her, trying to lead him astray, and she piled even more derogatory and degrading words upon me. Her diatribe began to remind me of the ones Father would heap upon me, and my eyes glazed over with the red of rage. I pulled away from her finally and ran home, with tears running down my face, knowing if I didn't leave then, I would regret it forever. I really think I could have killed her at that point.

Looking back, she saw both of us for what we really were, but she said Edward was just "too cute" for her to stay away from. Bella wanted the status of being on the arm of a jock. She wanted to feel important and desired. She wanted all the other girls to envy her. She was sure she could 'change' him. I found out later that Edward told her he was going to break up with her because he was no longer comfortable with their relationship. She was sure I was behind it somehow; that I was the cause of his defection.

I burst through the door at home, sobbing and calling out for my mom. I was enraged, devastated and didn't know who else to turn to. I told mom what Bella accused me of and what had happened, shaking and crying into her warm shoulder. Mom never said a word, just held me until I was spent. When I finally pulled myself together enough to head to my bedroom, I heard her on the telephone, talking softly to someone.

An hour or so later, after I had showered and was in the midst of pretending to concentrate on my math homework, Edward showed up at my bedroom door. His head was hanging on his chest, his eyes were cast down to the floor, and his hands were dangling loosely at his sides. As he tentatively lifted his eyes to meet mine, I saw from the swollen redness that he had been crying.


	4. Chapter 4 The Discussion

**This chapter has been edited. I apologize for any confusion this may cause. This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. I look forward to constructive criticism and ecstatic recommendations!**

**This is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper I could think of lots of ways to pass the time, none of them by writing.**

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**The writing style will change in this chapter. WARNING! There will also be strong language. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV unless otherwise stated. **

**Chapter 4 – The Discussion**

****

JPOV

I was surprised and upset to see him here. After months of his neglect, now he shows up? As I stared at him, my anger began to rise. How dare he stand there looking miserable! He has the perfect life…no one ever hit him, no one ever screamed at him, he walks around school like he owns the place. My vision started to turn red…

"Jasper? Jasper, I…"

"NO! You don't get to speak to me in my house, in my room! Just…just…shut the fuck up!"

I saw him shudder and look down to the floor again. His hands clenched, but he didn't look mad. Maybe dejected? Distraught? I don't know, I was too mad to care.

I threw my book roughly into the side of my dresser and stood up. I saw him take a small step back and my rage increased. Why is he here? To rub my face in his triumphs, his perfect life? As I advanced on him, I realized I probably looked like a panther stalking his prey. I was feral and dangerous, and I was way past anger now. This is the man who is trying to hurt me, maybe even destroy me. My ex best friend, my ex confidant, my…I don't know what he is now! All I could see was red.

"What are you doing here?"

My question came out as a low, intimidating growl. I clenched my fists at my sides, or I would hit him for sure, as I awaited his response.

"Your mom…she…she called my mom…"

"Yeah, so?"

"I…I…didn't know that she…"

I heard a sob come from deep in Edward's chest. He sounded broken some how, and maybe a little afraid. Huh…afraid? He should be. I am not the one who hurt him. I am not the one who ignored him. I am not the one who slapped him and heaped violent words on his head. Ok, in all fairness, the last was Bella…but why did I need to be fair right now? He let her speak to me and hit me like that. He was with her so he must have approved what she said and did, what she called me. All of this, everything, was HIS fault! If he wouldn't have distanced me, thrown me away, wouldn't have got with HER, we would still be friends.

"It is ALL your fault!"

I started pacing, faster and faster across my room, kicking my bed at one end and punching the door frame next to Edward's head at the other. As my knuckles split open, I felt my hate increase. I wanted to pummel him, to hurt him. Everything turned red. My monster was stretching and needed release. Some small part of me did not want to be a bastard like Father, so I took it out on my wall, instead of Eddie's face. Eddie never looked up, never moved, never spoke. Probably the best thing he ever did for himself, because it would only have taken one small sound, one minute movement, and I would have been all over his ass.

"Why are you here? Why now? Why not six months ago?"

OK, pacing and punching was helping, I still wanted to kill him, or kill what he had done, but I was starting to come back down. I began to feel the pain in my hand. I knew if I didn't stop soon, I would probably break something. Maybe I already had. I couldn't let the rage go entirely, but somehow, my hurt was starting to rise. I could feel tears prick at the back of my eyes, but I refused to show him any weakness. I refused to let him see how bad he had wounded me. After all, didn't Father teach me to be a tough boy? A hard ass? Yeah, Edward was NOT going to ever see what his words and actions have done to me!

"Jay…I was wrong. I…I didn't know…I…I'm so…"

"What Eddie! What? You're SORRY! Yeah…you're SORRY all right! A sorry piece of shit!

He took another small step back, into the hall this time, and I rounded on him.

"We were friends. Best friends. We spent every minute together. We did everything together. I thought we'd be friends forever. But NO! NO! You stopped looking at me, stopped seeing me. You ignored me and pushed me away. Why Eddie? Why? What did I ever do to you?"

I was rippin' into him, enraged again, but a small part of me remembered all the times I was the monster. I remembered the times I hurt him, punched him, slapped and kicked him when he fell. But he always forgave me, right? It wasn't like I meant to hurt him. It wasn't really my fault. Father set me up. But Eddie ALWAYS forgave me. What happened? What changed?

"It wasn't you Jay. It was me…I'm…"

"NO! You don't get to say 'sorry' to me, you sorry bastard! And I know it was you. It has to be you because I know it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. Why couldn't you stand to be around me? What was wrong with me?"

A tear ran down my cheek but I roughly swiped it away. He is NOT going to break me!

"Jay, please let me explain! Please!"

With that, he crumpled to the floor, sobbing hoarsely. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at him. I could hear my mom in the kitchen, probably getting supper ready. I could hear the brush of a tree limb gently scraping the window. I could hear a passing car radio. And finally, finally, I could hear the pain and remorse rolling out of the boy lying in a heap at my feet. My rage broke. I stooped next to him and gathered him into my arms, rocking him gently.

"Eddie? Eddie…I'm sorry…I'm sorry. Let's get you into my room before mom comes to investigate. Come on Eddie."

I gently lifted him to his feet and guided him to my bed. I have never seen him so broken. Even when I took out Father's anger on him, he was never so destroyed. Maybe, maybe some of this WAS my fault. Damn, now I was crying too! I had to get away. I couldn't let him see me lose it.

After sitting him on my bed, I stumbled to the bathroom so I could get away for a minute before I broke down too bad in front of him. I ran myself a drink of water, staring at my reflection. I could see the monster Father made. I could also see the boy I tried so desperately to be. I didn't know which one was winning right now, but the monster didn't seem as prominent as he had been just yesterday or even just a few moments ago. I let him out too much these past few months. I picked fights with my words and my fists. I drove people away. I hated myself, so it was only right I hated everyone else. Maybe I drove Eddie to Bella. Maybe none of this was his fault. Maybe I just wasn't good enough to be Eddie's friend. I could feel the self-hate rolling up out of my gut, and I slammed my fist into the mirror, once and then again. The blood and the pain brought me back, and I hung my head and cried.

I cried for all the times I hurt Eddie. I cried for all the times that sick bastard who called himself my Father had struck me and tortured me. I cried for my mom and all the pain she suffered at his hands. I cried for my own rage, my own fear. I cried until I couldn't cry any more. I cried, and something broke inside of me. My chest felt like my heart was smashed. My lungs burned and my stomach surrendered. As I staggered to the floor in front of the toilet and heaved up my guts, I also heaved up part of the monster living inside me all these years. I swore that I no longer was going to be ruled by that part of me. I refused to let Father win. True, he made me strong, but now I was going to learn to be strong enough to fight against his influence. I was going to set it all right again. I was going to be the boy my mom saw. And I was going to forgive Eddie, and hope he could forgive me.

I no longer needed to know why the past year happened. I just had to fix it. I was strong. I could do it. I could face anything. Father taught me that. Maybe it is the only good thing he ever beat into me, but I would make all this better. I could still hear Eddie crying. I had to fix this.

I grabbed a wet washcloth and a glass of water, and crept quietly into my room. Eddie was curled up into a tight ball in the center of my bed, my pillow clenched to his stomach. I could see his pain, and for the first time in months, I actually let myself see Eddie. He was thinner then I remembered. A lot thinner, and his skin was pale and drawn. His hair was longer and even a bigger mess then usual, but there was a greasy kind of shine to it, which made me think he was either not washing it much or trying to slick it back into submission. He had on belted tan slacks and a dark blue button-up long sleeved shirt, which was now pulled out of his pants and rumpled. He never dressed like that before, not when we were friends. He was always in jeans and t-shirts. When did he change? Why did he change? Is this what happened because I wasn't man enough to keep him in my life? Did my monster do this to him? Did he let Bella change him? I couldn't see his face, it was tucked into my pillow, but I could hear his sobs. I had to fix this.

"Eddie? Eddie, come on now. Here, I got you some water. Why don't you sit up and let me help you. Eddie?"

He slowly uncurled and raised his tear stained face to mine. I had to be strong now…strong enough for the both of us. I had to quit looking backwards and start moving forward now. I always was the stronger of us. He was the dreamer…I was the warrior.

"Jay, I don't know how all this happened. I am so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I just don't know what happened! Everything just got away from me and…"

One last sob and he wiped his arm across his eyes, wiping the tears and snot into his shirt sleeve. I handed him the washcloth and he clutched it in his lap.

"I broke up with Bella. I heard what she said to you. I saw what she did to you. I was coming around the corner of the gym when she slammed you into her car and slapped you. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. She was so mad and I was so frightened. The things she said, the things she accused you of. But you never hit her. I think I would have. How did you not hit her?"

I just shook my head. I could barely stand to look him in his eyes. I knew it was my entire fault somehow, and I had to make amends.

"Eddie, I don't understand what she was saying, but I wasn't trying to break you up. I was trying to stay away from you like you wanted. I didn't mean to break you up!"

"Jay, it wasn't you. I knew she was a vindictive bitch. I thought if I went out with her, I could ignore my feelings for you. She said I was the best looking boy in school and she had to have me. I was her status symbol. But I couldn't fool her. She knew that I didn't like her. Didn't like touching her. I couldn't help it when I cringed every time she touched me. But I tried…I really did. I tried to be like everyone else. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be normal. And then she started to threaten me, when I told her I couldn't do it any more."

"What…?"

"Jay, I've always liked you. I love you. You are my best friend. But…"

Now I was confused. What was he trying to tell me? What did being normal and being best friends have to do with each other? He wasn't making any sense. Why would she threaten him?

"Listen, I don't know what you are trying to say Eddie. Just spit it out. What is going on that you couldn't just come talk to me? I would have listened. I would have tried to help. Why couldn't you just TALK to me?"

Silence filled my room. It rolled into every nook and cranny. We were both holding our breath, not moving. It was oppressive and I felt my chest get heavy. I couldn't take my eyes off him. But he couldn't meet mine. Then he took a big breath.

"Jay, I love you. I am IN love with you. Jasper…please don't hate me. I don't think I could take it if you hate me. Jasper…I…I think I'm gay…"


	5. Chapter 5 The Response

**I have edited this chapter. I apologize for any confusion that may cause.**

**I apologize for my massive fail at getting this to you sooner. I am an accountant at a small non-profit, and the auditor was here for a week! The day after she left I got a severe case of bronchitis, which kicked my ass for another week. I promise to be more prompt in my following chapters.**

**A Reminder: this is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams.**

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**WARNING! This story is rated M for a reason. There will be strong language. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you are not old enough to understand what the words mean, stop reading NOW. As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV unless otherwise stated.**

**Chapter 5 – The Response**

**JPOV**

On the passenger side of an automobile, there are words written on the outside mirror that remind us that what we see is only an illusion. I knew at that moment that I could still see Father in my mind's mirror, and he was closer then I thought he was. How could a man who physically left mom and me so long ago still continue to fuck up my life so much? Would I never be free of him? His ugly voice began echoing in my head as I heard the words Edward said, and as I repeated the words over and over to myself. Too close…Father is too close!

I felt Father prepare to respond. I thought I had puked him out of my system just a few minutes ago. I was wrong. His poison obviously still surged through my system.

So my first reaction was to use the same vitriol spewed at me by Bella. "You're a fucking faggot, Edward?" almost came out of my mouth. But my heart knew that is not what I wanted to say. I choked back my words before they could come out to hurt him. He was my best friend. I can't hurt him! So how do I figure out what my heart wants to say? I don't have much practice listening to myself. Father taught me I wasn't important enough to be listened to, so I usually discounted my own thoughts. Why listen to an idiot?

Ok, so…what do I think? I don't know. I didn't see this coming. I mean, how could I see this coming? Lots of people have best friends, but that doesn't make them all queer. What happened to Eddie? Did someone make him think this shit? He said Bella and he broke up. Was she the one who wrecked him?

He said he loves me. That's not so bad. I love him too. But…

He was always so sweet when we were kids. Did his mom or dad do something? What about me? Did I hit him, hurt him too much? God, what a mess! Why would he say that shit? Did I hate him 'cause he said it? What did he actually say? Shit, I'm a mess. Maybe it is me. Do I hate him?

Hate him. Why would I hate him? Did he do something wrong? Is he doing something wrong now? Is he really gay…or is he confused? I mean…how does he know he's gay? How does anyone know that shit?

Wait, my health teacher said people can't be made into being gay. She said people are born that way. But, so wouldn't that still be his dad's fault? Maybe his mom has something wrong with her. So if it is genetics…shit! I have never been good at science. How in the hell am I supposed to figure this shit out? Is there really anything wrong with being gay? I've got nothin' here!

Ok, wait. So if he is really that way, does that make me that way? Am I screwed because he was my friend? I've always loved him…he's my brother! I mean, he's not really my brother, but…

FUCK! What in the hell am I doing? Maybe Father was right to beat me and hate me if I'm a queer too. Maybe he always saw me this way. Maybe he was trying to get me to be normal. Maybe he was trying to beat the devil out of me for real, just like he used to tell me. Isn't everyone supposed to get married and have kids and shit? Maybe Father wasn't the monster I thought, maybe it is really me. Maybe I'm the monster. What if I'm the one who wrecked everything with mom and him? Did she hate me too? I think my head is going to explode!

"Jasper! Jasper, what are you doing? Jasper, just…just talk to me!"

I realized I must look really crazy right now. My hands were both in my hair, pulling so hard it hurt. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do…what to say. I took a deep breath and looked at Eddie. He had tears streaming down his face. He was shaking me, with his hands on my shoulders, and I had to get away.

"Let me go. Just…"

"Jasper, please talk to me!"

"I…I can't right now Eddie. I need time. I need to think. Just let me go. Please."

What if I'm the one who caused all this? I had to get away to think. I had to figure this out before I hurt anyone any worse. I need time to think! I don't want to hurt Eddie. I just need time to think.

"Just go home Eddie. Leave me alone right now. I can't talk to you right now."

It came out harsher then I meant it to. I didn't want to hurt him, but maybe he being close to me is hurting him. If he gets away from me maybe he will be OK. Fuck. What am I going to do? I think he just needs to get away so he can be OK before I do something bad and hurt him worse. Why can't I think?

"Please Eddie…just go."

Edward got up then; looking defeated, and stumbled out of my room. I could hear my mom asking if he was OK, but I didn't hear his answer. Did I do the right thing? It was the best for him wasn't it? I can't hurt him any more, so it's best he leave, right? Shit! Maybe I hurt him worse by making him go. No, I can't think that. He just needs to be away from me. I'm the monster in his life. Without me he can be fine. If I can just figure things out, he will be OK. Yeah, it's best he goes. He'll be OK.

Mom called me for dinner later, but I told her I was sick and just needed to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. It just kept running through my head, what Eddie said. He loves me. He's gay. He loves me. He's gay. He loves me. Hate him? Love him? He loves me. Why would anyone love me?

I guess I must have finally fallen asleep, because I woke up on the floor next to my bed, stiff and sore. My legs hurt so bad from laying all twisted up that I almost had to crawl to the shower. I had strands of my blond curls in my hands, and my head hurt like a bitch.

I stood in the shower and realized that I still didn't know what to do. I really fucked everything up in my life if someone as good as Eddie loves me. Because that means I fucked him up too. His head can't be right if he thinks he loves me. But I love him too…just maybe not the way he wants. Do I? I don't know. Maybe I do have feelings for him. Maybe I feel the same way he does. I don't know. Maybe I am just too fucked up to even know how I feel. But at least Eddie is OK. I made him go home last night so he could be OK. So he could get away from my monster. So I couldn't screw up his life any more. I know, somehow, Father was right. I don't deserve to live if I hurt everyone around me. How was I going to fix Eddie? I wanted to be there for him, but he was better off without me. Shit, I already fucked him up. Yeah, he was definitely better off without me.

I was getting dressed, but no closer to answers, when mom screamed up the stairs at me.

"Jasper! Get down here now! It's Edward. His mom called…we've got to get to the hospital!"

What the fuck? Hospital? I ran down the stairs and climbed into the car with her. She was crying and I couldn't figure out what was going on.

"Mom. Why are we going to the hospital? What is going on?"

She just shook her head, tears running down her face. Good thing it is a straight shot to the hospital. I'm not sure she could even see the road. Five minutes later as we pulled into the lot, I was still no closer to getting answers. Maybe I didn't deserve answers. Shit.

We were met at the door by a sobbing, distraught woman. I almost didn't recognize Eddie's mom. She had a robe on, and slippers, and her hair was a mess. She flung herself into my mom's arms and they both continued to weep.

Now, I know I am a selfish bitch, but why won't anyone tell me what is going on? I mean, she dragged me here, said it was about Edward, but I don't see him. Where the fuck is he? Just his mom…

Oh my God! What happened? Eddie…where is Eddie?

"You can come back and see him now. We have him stabilized, Mrs. Masen. And is Jasper here? He keeps asking for Jasper." The doctor led us all back to a curtained off room. When I turned the corner, I saw Eddie, white as a ghost and hooked up to machines, his hair sticking up every which way and bandages on his wrists. His eyes opened when he heard us come in.

"Jasper, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please tell me you don't hate me. Please. I just need you so bad. Please, Jasper."

Mrs. Masen turned to me with an incredulous look. "Is this YOUR fault Jasper? Huh? What did you do? How could you hurt Edward? He's your best friend. He loves you. WHAT DID YOU DO?"

All I could do was stand there. She slapped me across my cheek, drew her hand back for another go, and I just stood there. I didn't know what to do as her hand connected again. Why is everyone hitting me? Then she fell onto the bed and clutched Edward to her chest, crying the whole time.

"Mom. No. Jasper didn't do anything. I did. I was a fool. I…I…mom, please. Please stop crying. Jasper didn't do this, I did." And then Eddie broke down and sobbed into his mom's hair.

I still stood there. I was numb. I didn't know what to do. Had I done this? Was this my fault too? Of course it was. I couldn't do anything right. I hurt him again. Father was right about everything. It was my fault. Even Mrs. Masen knew it was my fault. I couldn't stand there any longer. If I stayed I would hurt him again. I turned, looking over my shoulder at Edward and his mom, my mom, repeating "Sorry, I'm so sorry." And then I did the only thing I could think of to do…I ran.


	6. Chapter 6 Poor Edward

**This chapter has been edited. I has also been moved before Running. I apologize for any confusion that may cause.**

**A Reminder: this is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams.**

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**WARNING! This story is rated M for a reason. There will be strong language. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you are not old enough to understand what the words mean, stop reading NOW. As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV unless otherwise stated.**

**Chapter 6 - Poor Edward**

****

EPOV

I don't know what I was thinking last night. How stupid can one person be? I know that I over-reacted, but shit… I lost everything yesterday, everyone. Yeah, hind-sight is 20/20. I think I could have handled everything if I just wouldn't have tapped into dad's one and only bottle of whiskey. But it was calling me. It was there…I was there. Jasper hated me…Bella is going to out me to all my friends at school…I'll probably get kicked off the swim team…my folks would be ruined if it got out that I was gay. What else was I to do? Well, I fucked that up too. Can't even kill myself properly. Who knew I was supposed to cut with the vein and not across it. I'm an imbecile. I must have passed out after that. Never did like the sight of blood much. I don't remember anything until I was here. Wonder how bad I bled? Shit, I hope mom doesn't have to clean up my mess. I gotta do that. I can't put that on her.

OK, looking back, maybe a little melodramatic, but how could I take the chance. I mean, it is all my fault. I'm the one that pushed Jasper away and made him hate me. Hell, he couldn't even stand to have me in his room last night. The look on his face…I will never forget the look of absolute loathing, and the way he tried to pull his hair right out of his head when he looked at me. I am dirt. Nope lower then dirt. Now what do I do?

And mom…how could she slap him? That sure caused a screaming match after he ran out. I've never heard Jay's mom utter words like that. Even when his dad was still around, she never cussed. Besides, this isn't Jasper's fault! What was she thinking? I DID THIS! Not him, never him. God, I love him…but I can't say that any more. I hurt him so bad when I said that to him. I know he will never forgive me. How could I think he would understand? I came out of left field with this one. I gave him no warning, no explanation. I pushed him away for months, and then I confess my undying love! What an idiot. I tried to explain it all to mom, well, not the gay stuff, but somehow I just couldn't say anything right to her. I hate that I hurt her. I wasn't even thinking about consequences. I just figured, fuck, get out of the way and then no one gets hurt. I'm a first class, blue ribbon idiot!

Bella. What was I thinking about when I got with her? It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I mean, all the guys were talking about how great she was. And they kept asking if I was "gettin' any." I was not about to tell them I was a virgin. Hell, I'm 16 years old! That makes me look queer right there! And Jasper. I was sooo lucky no one saw my boner in the locker room that day. I just had to keep away from him so that didn't happen again. Problem was, sometimes just thinking about him made me hard. I'm really fortunate none of the guys caught on to that shit. The one time Mike thought he saw something, I told him I was thinking about the great time I was going to have with Bella that night! He bought it, hook, line, and sinker. Stupid shithead.

Bella kept after me until I said I'd go out with her. I figured a movie, or maybe the drive-thru. But no…she wants to go parking! When I couldn't get it up right away, she started talking trash to me. It's a good thing I could just close my eyes and picture Jasper when she gave me that blow job that first night, or I'd have been fucked, and not in the way she was hoping. As long as I kept my eyes closed and didn't think about Bella, I was able to fool her for a while. At least I thought I had. That is until she started telling me she was going to "expose my twisted secret" unless I played it up good. She said she had to have me on her arm because all the other girls thought I was hot. What a fuckin' bitch.

Jasper. I forget how young he is sometimes. Hell, he's just a kid. He acts old, sometimes older then me, but he's only 14. Why do I keep forgetting I am more then a year older then him? I am barely starting to figure myself out. How can he even know what he wants? I dumped my shit on him and didn't even explain it right. And why would he want me? I've been such a prick to him for so long. I even let Bella have at him. I could've stopped her, but I was too afraid of what she would do to me to even protect him. He didn't deserve what she said. I could see the confusion in his face, the horror, as she slammed him against the car, slapped him and called him names. That bitch! Something snapped in me after that. If it is the last thing I do, I am going to make her pay for putting her filthy hands on him. I'm glad, no matter the consequences, that she is no longer in my life.

Now Jasper's gone. He ran out and no one can find him. If anything happens to him, it is my fault. This one is squarely on my shoulders. I didn't protect him. I put all this bad shit on him. It hit him out of the blue. He couldn't have even seen it coming. Shit!

There is supposed to be some kind of psych doctor coming to talk to me. Mom said they won't let me out of here until I tell him everything. Well, guess again. Not happening. The last thing I need to do is tell even more people how fucked up I am. I'll give him just enough to get me free. I'll just tell him I got loaded and didn't know what I was doing. Ya know…kinda like a black out or something. He won't care. Probably has to talk to all kinds of fucked up kids every day. I'll give him just enough to escape this place. I can be real convincing when I want to be.

Course, I don't know what I am going to do about Bella. Good thing it's the weekend and she can't get to everyone at school until Monday. I've got to think up something by then. Jasper is always telling me how smart I am. I know I can figure something out. Just have to get my head clear enough to think. I gotta apologize to mom and dad too. I'll just tell them I broke up with Bella and kinda lost my head. Just freaked out. She was my first girlfriend. I sure don't have to tell them she'll be my first, last and only one! I gotta keep all this gay shit under wraps for now. If dad's business associates find out… And mom's friends, I bet they will ostracize her or something. I hope Jasper won't say anything. Course, it would serve me right if he does. Maybe he's so disgusted with me that he will out me. Maybe I don't even have to worry about Bella doing it.

Jasper. I sure hope they find him soon, before he gets himself into trouble. He's been picking fights lately, lots of them. It's probably my fault. Hell, I left him with no one. I shut him out of my life. I threw him away like some old trash. I just hope one day he lets me explain. I did a really shitty job of that last night. If he ever talks to me again, well… I hated the look on his face after mom slapped him. Before he ran out, he looked so broken, so confused. Poor kid. Score another point for my side. I won't have to kill myself, everyone else will do it for me.

Man, I'm tired. A hangover and all this bleeding sure takes a lot out of a guy. Maybe a little rest and then I can clear my head.

**EPOV (3 hours later, lunch time)**

How can they call this shit food? It is really bad! No wonder there are so many sick people…hospital food keeps them in here!

(Knocking on door)

Uh, Oh… What now?

"Yeah?" Wow, who in the hell is he? Man, he's cute!

"I'm Doctor Cullen. I'd like to talk to you for a little while, if that is OK with you."

"Um, yeah, sure…" Cute dimples, wow, beautiful eyes.

"So, Edward. Seems like you've had a bad few days."

"Um, yeah…" Idiot, way to show your intellect! Shit, he's good looking! Gorgeous blonde hair.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Um…" Ok, brain in gear, brain in gear. Words out of mouth. Brain in gear. His smile is killer! Look at those arms.

"Can you tell me a little of what happened?"

"I'm gay and I slept with Bella and I ignored Jasper and Bella and I split up and Bella is really gross and she hurt Jasper and Jasper hates me and Bella is going to out me at school and I drank dad's liquor and sliced my wrists and I told Jasper I love him and mom slapped him and he ran out and no one can't find him and did I tell you I'm gay…" Oh, shit!


	7. Chapter 7 Running

**This chapter has been edited and moved after Poor Edward to help the flow of the story. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.**

**A Reminder: this is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper I would be sporting a smile that would never leave my face.**

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**WARNING! This story is rated M for a reason. There will be strong language and adult situations. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you are not old enough to understand what the words mean, stop reading NOW. As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV.**

**Chapter 7 – Running**

****

JPOV

So here I am, out on the streets in the city. I've been wandering for what seems like hours. I'm 14 years old, dressed in an old T-shirt and pair of ripped jeans. No coat, no ID. It is chilly and I have no money. I have no one who will help me. I have a fucked up brain with Father's voice running through it. I'm an idiot, and I am soooo fucked right now.

I can't seem to turn off my head. Every thought just keeps looping through, over and over. I could go back. But then what? Maybe they won't even want me back. I destroy everything I touch lately. I think everyone is better off without me screwin' up their lives. Maybe Father wouldn't have been such a prick if he didn't have me to discipline. Maybe mom and him would still be together. And Eddie, maybe he would be OK now. Maybe he'd still be with Bella. Course, she is a real bitch and he's probably better off without her. I bet he wouldn't have tried to kill himself if I could have just done something, said something better. Fuck!

So, food. What in the hell am I going to do? I haven't eaten since yesterday at lunch and I realize I am fuckin' starvin'. I know I can fight if I have to. Hell, I'd even enjoy punchin' someone right now. But I've never stolen anything. If I end up in jail they'll just call mom. I need to eat, but I can't get caught. What in the hell am I going to do?

"Excuse me sir. Would you have a few dollars I could have?" He looks like he has money. Nice suit. Nice shoes.

"Fuck off kid. Go home to mommy!" Right, no help there.

"Thanks for nothin', prick!"

Shit. I am really fucked. Sure wish I woulda eaten breakfast today. Oh yeah, right, Eddie. Hospital. Shit!

I'm sitting on a picnic bench in a little secluded neighborhood park, next to the woods, head in my hands, when this guy walks up to me. He kinda gives me the creeps with that twisted grin on his face. His hair is greasy and his clothes are dirty. He's a big guy, beefy, maybe 250, 300 pounds, but hey, I'm tough. No sweat. He just sits next to me but isn't talking. Weird. We must have sat there for fifteen minutes or so, but neither of us seemed inclined to talk first. Then he shifted even closer to me, until his thigh was touching mine.

"Hey, pretty boy. What are you doin' here?"

"None of your fuckin' business." I tried to move away but he grabbed my arm.

"Oh. Tough kid huh?"

"I could kick your sorry ass." He put his other hand on my face, ran his fingers down my cheek and grabbed my chin. I couldn't even look away from him.

"Sure ya could. Course, where would that get ya?"

"Leave me the fuck alone, perv." I tried to shrug him off, but he wouldn't budge. His fists are even stronger then Father's. I couldn't get him off me!

I musta pushed him too far with my last comment. Before I could even blink, he had me on my back on the ground between the table and the woods, with his hand on my throat. I felt his other hand travel down my body, pinching my nipples through my t-shirt and grabbing the waistband on my jeans. His legs were straddling mine, pinning me to the ground. I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but he was just too strong. Sure glad mom wasted all that money on self-defense classes and Karate. NOT!

"Listen pretty boy. You should learn some respect for your elders. Cause if you talk real nice to me, help me out a little, maybe I'll give you a few bucks. I could take real good care of your pretty little ass. I saw you pan-handling over there. This is my territory and you don't fuck with my territory unless I allow it. Got it?"

My hands were clutching his hand, trying to rip it away from my throat, but I was getting light headed. He's too strong for me. He leaned over and licked my face, first my cheek and then my chin. He forced my lips open with his tongue and then stuck it into my mouth. His spit was running down my face. His other hand was messing with the buttons on my jeans. He got them loose and reached into my pants, into my boxers, grabbing me roughly. I wanted to yell at him, scream at him to get off, but his hand on my throat was so tight I couldn't breath. Panic time! What in the hell am I doin' here? Oh my God, after all the times Father beat me, even put me in the hospital, I'm going to die here, at the hands of someone I don't even know! Some child molestin' pervert. What is he going to do to me? I hope he kills me first. If he forces me to… Oh God not that. Please…not that! What am I going to do? I can feel his hand stroking me, grabbing my nuts, pumping me. My vision was starting to fade. I am seeing spots in front of my eyes. No oxygen! His hand is so tight on my throat! I'm going to drown in his spit. Help, oh help, please someone. Mom will never know where I went or why I didn't come home! Eddie, oh Eddie, please be OK for me. Please get better! Mom, I'm sorry mom! Oh God, I promise to be a better son, a better friend, if you get me out of this! He is going to rape me. I am going to die, I just know it. Things were getting fuzzy, going black. Oh my God!

Suddenly, I could breathe again! I grabbed my throat, coughing and sputtering, trying to get air into my lungs. I attempted to scramble away from him, on my back, my legs pushing for all they were worth, but he stood over me with his foot pressed into my stomach. He wiped his mouth on his shirt and then scratched his balls.

"Ya hear me kid. You stick around, you play by my rules. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir. Yes sir, I understand. I…I'll leave. I won't mess with your territory," I croaked out as loud as I could.

"Then git the fuck out a my sight! N O W!" With that, he kicked me in the ribs and sauntered off laughing, still scratching and spitting.

I crawled into a sitting position, clutching my side and gagging, holding my sore throat. When I could get to my feet, I took off running, clutching my pants to keep them up. I could still hear him laughing. I ran until I couldn't, and then collapsed up against a brick wall. Where in the hell AM I? Shit, shit, shit, shit! I don't know how long I sat there sobbing, but eventually I calmed down enough to fasten my pants, wipe the spit and tears off my face and take in my surroundings.

Is that the hospital? I must have run in a circle! Thank God! Maybe someone up there is lookin' out for me after all. All I have to do is get my shit together. Maybe…

I sat there, looking at the building until it started to get dark, going over and over in my head what happened yesterday, today. Can't believe it was only yesterday that Eddie was in my bedroom. He looked so small in that hospital bed. Why did he hurt himself? It was me, wasn't it? Maybe I can help him. He's my best friend. Maybe…

Thoughts kept swirling around and I kept coming back to maybe… If I get my monster under control, maybe… If I am a better friend to Eddie, maybe… If I'm a better son, maybe…

Yeah, maybe there is hope. Maybe I'm not as big a screw up as I think. Maybe it's time to quit running away. Maybe it's time to tell mom about Father's voice in my head. Maybe…

The next thing I knew, I was jogging towards the hospital. I've got to see Eddie. I've got to start fixin' all this shit. It is up to me. I'm stronger then Eddie, I can help him. I'll take care of him and we'll figure all this stuff out.

The nurse at the front desk told me where Eddie was, and I snuck down the hall, still not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I had to do something. When I crept silently into his room, his eyes were closed and he was alone. I sat in the chair by the bed and just watched him sleep. He looked so pale, so tired. Those bandages on his wrists, how could he do that to himself? He is so smart, so good. He has everything to live for. Why would he try to take that all away? White bandages, pale hands, purple vein in his elbow…I must have been concentrating really hard because I didn't notice his eyes were open until he spoke to me.

"You came back."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't let your skinny ass get all the attention."

"Jay…"

"Listen, Eddie. I'm sorry I did everything wrong. I didn't want to hurt you."

"Jay, I…"

"No, please Eddie. Please let me say what I gotta before I lose my nerve. Please."

"OK"

"I shoulda listened when you wanted to talk. I shoulda told you what I was thinking. But I was so confused. I…I…You took me by surprise when you told me you were…gay. I just needed to think, but I went about it all wrong. I never meant to hurt you." I could feel my tears, but I didn't care. I didn't need to be so strong all the time. I just needed to make sure he heard me.

"Jay, I did kinda spring that on you. I was just so scared that you would look at me like I was crazy or sick or something, and then you did. But I had to tell you. I just didn't know what else to do."

"I know Eddie, but I shouldn't have thrown you out like I did. I really thought that you would be better off away from me. I'm not good like you."

"What do you mean, not good?"

"Eddie, I got this monster inside. I can hear Father's voice sometimes, just like he was still here. I hurt everyone. I can't seem to stop sometimes."

"Oh, Jay…you don't. You are the bravest, strongest, nicest kid I know. There is no monster."

"Yeah there is Eddie. You just don't know. I've never told you…or anyone. I'm so fucked up inside. Sometimes I think Father lives in my head. I know if I turn around real fast he will be standing behind me. Sometimes I can't stop thinking bad shit. Sometimes I just need to hurt people."

"I…I don't know what to say. Will you let me help? Will you let me be there for you?"

We were so intent on our conversation that neither of us heard the door open. The next thing I knew, I was being crushed to my mom's chest. She was sobbing into my hair.

"Jasper, oh Jasper, I was so worried. Where did you go? I didn't know what to do. I couldn't find you."

"Mom, it's OK now. I'm OK. I'm sorry I worried you." I realized I was sobbing too. But it felt so good to be in her arms. I saw Mrs. Masen go to Eddie and hold him. They were both crying too. Suddenly, I realized maybe we would make it. Maybe I would make it. Maybe…maybe there is hope after all.


	8. Chapter 8 Sunday Talk

**A Reminder: this is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. I wish I owned Jasper, but alas, it was not meant to be!**

**The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.**

**WARNING! This story is rated M for a reason. There will be strong language and adult situations. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you are not old enough to understand what the words mean, stop reading NOW. As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV.**

**Chapter 8 – Sunday Talk**

**JPOV**

Edward was finally released from the hospital on Sunday morning. Mrs. Masen decided to have a "Welcome Back" lunch for him, and invited mom and me over. After the past few days, it was a relief to just sit and enjoy each other's company, just like in the 'old days.' Edward was pretty quiet, but then, so was I. We had decided, in a hurried, whispered conversation before lunch that we would talk after we were excused from the table. So we really didn't want to get into anything during lunch that could potentially blow up in our faces.

The evening before, when both our moms showed up and enveloped us in hugs and tears, was a little bizarre for both Edward and me. He didn't want to tell them about being gay, and I refused to tell them about the bruising on my neck, so all we really said was "sorry" over and over again. When everyone finally quit crying, mom dragged me home, still attempting to get me to talk. I told her I would when I was ready. That I just needed to figure some things out first. Mom didn't like being put off, but she eventually let it slide. The good news is she fed me. God, I was starved! I don't even remember going to bed, but I woke up stiff and sore, and my throat was killing me. I know I must have had nightmares because my bed was a wreck, but thankfully, I didn't remember them. I was both relieved and worried, when we received the call to come over for lunch. I wanted to see Eddie but I just didn't know what was going to be said. Fortunately, everyone ignored the elephants in the room and kept things light and impersonal.

After we were excused from the table, Edward dragged me up to his room, grasping my wrist firmly. I don't think I could have shaken him off if I tried, but I knew we needed to clear the air between us so I went willingly. Once we reached his room and locked his door, we took up places on his bed, our arms resting on our knees, which were drawn up in front of us. We were facing each other, about two feet apart.

It was really uncomfortable, and neither of us wanted to be the first to speak. The silence, as they say, was deafening. Finally, Edward decided to break the ice.

"Um, Jay…I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

"I should never have walked away from you and our friendship like I did. And I definitely shouldn't have puked out all my thoughts without even giving you fair warning. I didn't lie to you, but maybe I shouldn't have told you what I was feeling the way I did."

"Eddie…"

"Let me finish Jay. I have been so ashamed of what I was doing to you, but I wasn't quite sure how to not do it. I mean, I guess I was actually ashamed of how I felt for you and I knew that you would be disgusted with me when you found out. So I tried to hide behind Bella, and…well…that probably wasn't the best idea I ever had. I don't want anyone to know yet. And now it is probably going to blow up in my face when Bella starts spreading rumors at school on Monday."

"Eddie…"

"Jay, I will understand if you never want to see me any more. Not only did I treat you like shit, but then I guess I just expected you to forgive me without any thought as to how I acted these past several months. I shouldn't have brought Bella into it, and I am really sorry I was so weak that I couldn't face you before now. Can you ever forgive me? Can you even look me in the eyes any more? Are you sorry you even met me?"

Edward started to sob quietly, giant tears running silently down his face, and my heart broke for him. I reached out my hand towards him, but let it drop at the last minute. After I get done telling him what I needed to, he probably won't ever want me around again any way.

"Edward, I've been stupid myself. How can I be mad at you for doing the same? Instead of trying to talk to you, I just started punching things again. You know, getting into trouble just cause I could. Father's voice just keeps telling me how worthless I am, so it was easy to believe that you didn't want me around any more. Since you came over the other night, all I have been able to think about is how bad I've treated you over the years. I've taken out all my anger at Father on you. You should never have let me get away with the stuff I did. You should never have covered up for me. I'm not worth it."

"Jasper, how can you say that? Of course you are worth it!"

"No Edward, I'm not. I have this monster, this beast inside me, and I will always hurt the people I care about. I'm the reason Father hurt mom, and I'm the reason he left."

Edward's sobs had stopped. It was so quiet in the room that we could almost hear each other's hearts beat. I guess Edward agreed with me, because he never said a word back.

"Look Eddie, I better just go. I'm so sorry I hurt you all the time. I'm just so sorry!"

Now my sobs not so quietly broke the silence. I couldn't seem to move, so I just sat there with my eyes closed, my head on my knees. I wanted to move, but I didn't seem to have any control over my muscles.

Suddenly Edward lunged at me, knocked me off balance and wrapped me tightly in his arms.

"NO! You are so wrong Jasper! No, no, no, no, no! You are not to blame for what that bastard did to you and your mom. No one should ever hit their kid, and no one should ever hit women either! You're lucky he's gone. I know he's your dad, but you are lucky he didn't hurt you worse, or even kill you. NO! I won't let you take the blame any longer!"

I was stunned. I didn't know what to say to him. I never knew he felt that way. He never told me how much he hated Father. Maybe we both had stuff we'd been hiding from each other. Maybe it was time to clear the air between us. I pulled out of his arms and sat back up.

"Eddie, maybe I should tell you some things. Maybe it's stuff you need to know, before you decide whether you want to see me any more or not."

"What do you mean, Jay? What kinda things haven't you told me?"

"Edward, I hear Father's voice. It is as clear as if he was standin' right in front of me. Sometimes he yells so loud I can't even think. I just do what he says, and then he is quiet for a while. I don't mean to be makin' excuses, but sometimes…"

Again there was silence, but not for long. Edward was so quiet, almost introspective, as he asked, "Jasper, how often does this happen?"

I hung my head in shame and answered, "When I get mad it happens a lot. Sometimes I don't hear him for months, but sometimes it is pretty constant."

"Does your mom know?"

"Eddie, how can I tell her somethin' like that? Huh? How can I tell her that her only son is bat-shit crazy?"

"I don't think you're crazy Jay. I just think that it might be hard for you to forget all the bad things he did to you. I just think you need to talk to someone to figure out how to get rid of him. I don't believe you are crazy at all."

"You…you…don't?"

"Naw. I just think he fucked you up so bad that you just think you hear him. It's just like when we were kids and you would hit me sometimes. It really wasn't you doin' it. I knew it was really him. That's why I never told anyone. I didn't want you to get punished for what he was doing."

"Eddie, that just doesn't make sense. Of course it was me hittin' you. There wasn't anyone else around."

"Yeah there was Jay. You just couldn't see him, but he was there. He was makin' you do that shit. He was forcin' your hand."

I started to laugh, but it wasn't a happy laugh at all. And I couldn't seem to quit once I started. Hysterical. Yep. Who knew Eddie was just as bat-shit crazy as me! I don't even know where he gets that shit. Jesus, I guess I fucked him up even worse then I originally thought. Now what do I do?

"Jay…Jay! Shut the fuck up. What is wrong with you?"

I couldn't quit laughing. In fact, I was starting to choke on it.

Eddie was shaking me and yelling at me to stop. But it was the slap across my cheek that finally forced me to calm down. That is the first time Eddie ever raised a hand to me, and it shocked me out of my panic.

"I can't believe you just hit me!"

"Well, what did you expect? You were out of control and I didn't know how else to get your attention!"

"Yeah, well you're just lucky I didn't hit you back!"

"So go ahead and try, if you have the balls to."

We looked at each other, and burst out laughing. This time it was because we both thought the situation had gotten too ridiculous for words.

"Damn, I didn't know you could hit that hard!"

Yeah, well, I learned from the best!"

And just like that, we were back to being Eddie and Jay. No more hysteria, no more conflict, no more blaming. Maybe now we could begin to move forward.

"Jay, does it bother you that I'm gay?"

"Naw, you're still you, just fruitier."

"Oh, now you've done it!"

Edward pounced on me and wrestled us right off the bed! We only stopped because his mom started knocking on the door, demanding to know what was going on. Edward got off the floor, gave me an "if looks could kill" look, then grinned and opened the door to assure her that we weren't hurtin' each other. "

Just goofin' around, mom."

"Alright boys. Just try not to break anything, okay?"

We both answered "Okay" at the same time, and broke down in giggles. It took us several minutes to get ourselves back under control. Every time we looked at each other, we would start giggling again.

Finally, we calmed down sufficiently to actually talk to each other.

"So…fruitier huh?"

"Yep."

"So Jay, if you don't care that I'm gay, does it bother you that I...I…love…you?"

I had to think for a moment, so I held up my index finger to let Eddie know that I wasn't just blowin' him off.

"I don't think "bother" is the right word Eddie. I…um…I can't tell you the same thing is all. I don't know what I feel right now. Ya know? I mean, I don't know if I am even…um…well… but you will be the first to know when I figure it out. Okay?"

"That's all I can ask. So this isn't going to be weird between us, is it?"

"Naw…just don't go kissin' me or anything…"

"Yeah, you wish Jay. I'm a great kisser."

"Who says? Bella? Can you really believe anything that skank says?"

"Ouch…Okay, so maybe I'm not as great as I think. Wanna try me…?"

"Eww, I think we need to talk about somethin' else now!"

Laughing, Edward replied, "I was just jokin' with ya!" He hesitated for a bit, as though something was on his mind. Then he got really serious and asked, "What happened to your neck Jay?"

Now it was my turn to pause. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to think less of me because some perv touched me. I mean, does that mean I'm damaged goods now? I just didn't know how to respond.

"Jay, if you don't want to tell me…it's okay. But you know you can tell me anything, Right?"

"Yeah, Eddie. I…I…just don't want you to think I asked for it somehow. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm dirty or anything."

"Jasper…just spill it. Quit procrastinating and just tell me all ready!"

"Um, Eddie. This guy, you know…when I took off yesterday…this guy…kindatouchedme."

"What? I didn't catch that."

"Eddie, this guy at the park threw me down on the ground and he…he…licked my face and stuck his tongue in my mouth…and then he touched me…in my pants."

I hung my head in shame, as Edward gasped next to me.

"What are you sayin' Jay? Did he molest you? Did he ra…um…did he do anything else to you?"

"No! God, no! He didn't rape me! I thought he was going to, but he just grabbed my junk and played with it for a minute. He was choking me and was sitting on my legs and I couldn't get free from him! Oh…God…ohGodohGodohGod, Eddie…he almost raped me!"

The realization hit, and I fell apart. Eddie held me as I sobbed, running his fingers through my hair and shushing me the whole time. I don't know how long it took, but I know I was exhausted. Finally, he got me calmed again.

"Jay…I think you need to tell your mom."

"I can't Eddie. It'll hurt her. I can't do that to her."

"Well…then maybe you need to talk to this doctor who saw me yesterday. Dr. Carlisle. He was really nice, and really cute too…Oh God…I didn't mean it like that…I mean…I think he can help. Maybe you should ask your mom if you can see him?"

I dunno Eddie. Won't she want to know why?"

"Maybe…just tell her you need to talk to a man. Tell her…I dunno…just suggest it and see what she says."

"Maybe…"

There was a long pause, and then Eddie groaned.

"What?"

"What am I going to do if Bella opens her mouth tomorrow at school?"

"What could she say?"

"Well…she knows I broke up with her cause I'm gay. I didn't actually tell her, but I don't think it was too hard for her to figure out. What if she outs me and no one likes me any more? What if I get kicked off the swim team…or beaten up?"

"I'll protect you Eddie. Just say the word. You know I've got your back."

"Yeah, but what if…"

"Eddie, we are just gunna have to wait and see. Okay? Don't ask for trouble that isn't here yet."

I paused, and then continued, "By the way, Eddie. Does this mean you might be talkin' to me at school again?"

"Oh God Jay…I'll apologize for the rest of my life if it helps. Of course we are talkin' again. You are my best friend, and I should never have let myself forget that."


	9. Chapter 9 School Reactions

**You've heard it all before...I don't own crap. Still lusting after Jasper, however! **

**This chapter seems to take Edward out of his usual role of shy and sweet, but it is necessary for the story to progress and the boys to grow up. Both boys are struggling, but will begin to understand each other much better after the next few chapters.**

**Chapter 9 – School Reactions**

**JPOV**

We walked to school the next morning as though the past six months never happened. We talked about resuming our running routine every morning. We talked about Eddie being excused from gym and swimming for a week due to his "hospital visit." We talked about Bella and her anticipated reaction when she saw us walking together. In fact, we talked about everything except the elephant, no, the whale, between us.

Just like last night, I was still loath to bring up Eddie's attempted suicide because I knew he probably blamed me. And he never brought it up, maybe because he was ashamed, or maybe because he couldn't quite bring himself to verbally blame me either. Whatever the reason, neither of us mentioned it. I did notice however that he wore one of his oversized hoodies, the arms of which hung half way down his hands so his bandages wouldn't show. I caught him self-consciously and repeatedly tugging on the sleeves, just to be sure they covered the white tape and gauze that would give away his secret. But mention it…nope.

We got to school with barely any time to spare and quickly separated toward our respective classes. Eddie had asked me specifically to "not take it personally" that we needed to keep a bit of distance between us while we were at school or out in public. I understood his reasoning, but it still hurt. Course, he was giving me much more of himself now then he had for the past six months, so I tried not to let him see the pain in my eyes.

He asked that I sit at his table again at lunch, but not right next to him. He didn't want us to touch in any way while we were in the halls or at lunch. He also wanted to keep our lockers well separated during gym classes and swim team training and meets. He said he was protecting me…but I think he was more concerned about protecting himself. I went along with all of his rules without protest though, because I was so happy he was back in my life. I could live with a few restrictions if it meant we were interacting again.

I didn't hear any rumors about Eddie and Bella all morning, which wasn't surprising since I wasn't in any of their classes. However, the proverbial shit hit the fan at lunch. When I walked into the cafeteria I immediately noticed the hushed silence. Eddie was in the lunch line a few people ahead of me and was just raising his head to see what was going on as Bella stalked angrily toward him. Before he could react, she slapped him hard across his face and then burst into gulping sobs, burying her face in her hands. My first inclination was to rush to save him, but I knew better then to be so overt in my actions.

It was when she raised her head and reached toward him that all hell broke loose. In order to keep her from striking him again, Edward grabbed both her wrists and held her about a foot away from his body. That set her off. She began screaming, almost incoherently, that he had ruined her life and she was going to make sure he paid for it. She continued to berate and belittle him, similar to the way she did to me last Friday. Surprisingly, he never showed any emotion on his face and his body remained still all during her tirade. Then she told him he wasn't a real man and called him a fag and a cocksucker, and you could hear a pin drop. Everyone's attention was on the unfolding scene in the lunch line, all other conversations forgotten as students strained forward to hear how Edward would reply.

As she held her breath, knowing suddenly that she had crossed a line, Edward calmly looked down at her with pity and something else I couldn't discern in his eyes. Then, in a clear, loud voice, he answered her accusation.

"Bella, if you weren't so well-used, maybe I could have gotten it up for you; but just the thought of all the others there before me made me sick to my stomach. I decided you weren't worth the diseases I could catch from you. Now leave me alone. Go find someone else to torment."

Just like that the tension broke, and everyone started nervously laughing, some even applauding and jeering. As students finally turned back to their own lunch conversations, Bella collapsed into herself. When Edward felt the strength go out of her arms, he released her wrists and turned back to the lunch counter as if there had been no altercation at all. I was stunned. I was frozen in place and lost all conception of time, until the girl behind me pushed against my back, bringing me out of my stupor and moving me forward. His cruelty was astonishing. I had never seen Edward so cold, so menacing. He must have been practicing those lines in his head for the past few days, to utter them so smoothly and arrogantly. I hated Bella, but even the beast I carried within me could not have destroyed her so completely.

I realized that Edward had changed since I last hung out with him, and I am not sure all the changes were good ones. Reminding myself never to piss him off, I casually sauntered over to his table and took my place as though I had never left it. Edward was standing there, Mike and Tyler slapping him on the back and congratulating him as though he had done something wonderful. I just raised my eyebrow when he turned to look at me, and then concentrated on the food in front of me. I caught his scowl out of the corner of my eye, but continued to ignore the celebration.

Finally everyone calmed down and lunch resumed without any other drama. A few of the kids at the table welcomed me back, but I was basically overlooked. Yep, right back to where I had always been. Being ignored was comfortable for me, so I was not about to complain.

The rest of the school day was uneventful. When I stepped outside after the last bell, I debated whether to wait for Edward or just walk home by myself. I was unsettled about the whole "lunch thing" and hadn't really had the time to process it yet. He came up behind me and punched me in the arm to announce his presence. I turned my head slowly to look at him, again arching my eyebrow, and he had the common sense to look ashamed.

"Too much huh? I guess maybe I got carried away at lunch."

"Ya think?"

He grabbed my arm, turning me completely toward him. "Listen Jasper, I couldn't let her insinuations take hold. I just can't let anyone think that I am gay. It would destroy me and my folks."

"I don't think it was your folks that were on your mind a few hours ago."

"Jasper, please…"

"Edward, I thought I knew you, but you obviously aren't the man I thought you were. Don't get me wrong…I hate her for what she did to me, to us. But Edward…"

"Listen Jay…I'm sorry I said all that I did, but it was her or me…and I couldn't let it be me. Besides, she had it coming."

"Edward…listen to yourself…are you really trying to justify your actions? Puttin' her down or gettin' yourself out of a bad situation is one thing. But you completely annihilated her in front of the whole school. Couldn't you have taken her outside or somethin' when she first slapped you? Or maybe taken the time to talk to her before school? Why are you really so afraid of being who you say you are? You came out to me. Why not to everyone? Don't use your folks as an excuse. And don't try to tell me you had to be that brutal to her. Just don't. You asked me yesterday how I felt about you being gay. Maybe what you should have asked is how I feel about you being a bastard."

I turned away from him, wrenching my arm out of his grasp, and started walking quickly toward home. I don't know why I was sticking up for her or why I was so mad at him right now. I think they would both have been better off if he had just slapped her back. Unlike Father, I have never condoned hitting a woman, but what he did just felt wrong. I sensed him as he walked up next to me, but I didn't look over or acknowledge him. Finally he sighed and grabbed my arm, more gently this time, and turned me toward him.

"Jasper…I'm sorry."

"Maybe you should tell that to Bella."

He paused for a moment, and then quietly acquiesced, "I'll call her when I get home."

We walked in silence, lost in our own thoughts, the rest of the way to his house. I saw my mom sitting on the porch swing with Mrs. Masen, so I followed Edward up the path to his door. We both sat on the steps and turned to see what they were talking about.

"Hey kids…how was school?" mom asked. We just nodded that it was okay, and she turned her head toward Mrs. Masen as she continued. "We have been talking, and we have both decided that it is necessary for each of you to have someone to talk to about your problems, someone unbiased and not emotionally attached."

Mrs. Masen then jumped into the conversation. "Edward, you seemed to get along well with the doctor you saw at the hospital, so I called him today. We have decided that you will each be visiting with Dr. Cullen over the next few weeks so you have someplace to vent and discuss your feelings and concerns. Edward, what you did to yourself last weekend was horrible and totally wrong. Trying to kill yourself is NEVER the answer to any problem. And Jasper…you ran off, scaring your mom half to death. I know that I was partly to blame for that. Believe me when I say I am so sorry that I jumped to conclusions like I did. I had no business ever raising a hand to you, and your mom and I have discussed that in some depth."

She looked down for a moment, clearly ashamed and contrite. "You need to both understand that responding to problems the way you did is unacceptable and we just can't let those kinds of things happen again. It would destroy both of us if anything happened to either of you."

My mom and Mrs. Masen shared a look and then my mom picked up the conversation.

"Jasper, I know your Father was cruel to you and me, and I thought you had worked past most of it. But you have been resorting to violence again to settle your disputes, so I see now I was wrong and should have gotten you professional help much sooner. For my lack of attention to your problems, I am truly sorry."

Mrs. Masen added, "I know you probably feel like we have ganged up on you both, but we felt you each needed to know that your best friend was in the same boat as you. Dr Cullen also suggested that, as best friends, perhaps you would like a session that would included both of you together. We will leave that up to you to discuss with each other, but we know you have been having problems with your friendship for quite some time now. It warms my heart to see you becoming friends again, but if you have issues you may want to address, Dr Cullen is very willing to help. We also realize that both of you have been keeping secrets from us. Normally we would just think that was part of growing up, but both of you have obviously had some things happen that threw you over the edge, so to speak. Perhaps talking with Dr. Cullen will help you to learn how to handle things better."

Edward and I looked at each other when our moms finally stopped talking. I think my expression probably matched Eddie's "deer in the headlights" look. I was embarrassed to be caught out like that, but they made some good points. I guess this is all part of growing up. After all the shit that has been happening recently, capped by the argument Eddie and I had on the way home, perhaps there might be something to this "talking" that they suggested. Damn, I just knew that if I couldn't talk to mom, and maybe not even to Eddie, then I guess I did need someone to listen to me once in a while. Eddie was nodding his head yes, and I turned back to look at mom.

"Mom, I…I don't really want to do this, b…but maybe I ju…just need to…to suck it up and s…see this doctor. I'm a guy, ya know." I paused. "Sometime a man to talk with would be okay. Wh…when am I supposed to go?" I realized I was blushing, and had stuttered my way through most of that, but something in me knew I had to do this.

Mom answered quietly, "Jasper, you have an appointment for Thursday after school, and Edward, your appointment is on Wednesday."

Mrs. Masen concluded, "Thanks boys. Thanks for being willing to help your mom and me out here. Now who wants dinner?"

**A/N I usually don't leave end notes, but I wanted to let you know that the next 4 chapters are already written and will, most probably, all be posted this weekend. Next chapter is Edward's therapy appointment, and the following chapter is Jasper's. Hopefully, they will both give you more insight into our boys and the root problems they both need to deal with. After that, we will be moving along much quicker in the timeline. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	10. Chapter 10 Therapy Wednesday

**It seems necessary to explore some of Edward's problems more completely. You will see why Jasper was instinctively upset with Edward's interaction with Bella, even though he had no practical reason. He was probably picking up on Edward's own guilt!**

**As usual, I own nothing but my imagination. Want Jasper though, really bad!**

**Chapter 10 – Therapy Wednesday**

**EPOV**

Things have not been the same between Jasper and me since I torched Bella in front of everyone in the cafeteria on Monday. I realized, after we had some heated words on the way home that afternoon, that I deserved everything he said. I spent almost six months with Bella, but didn't even give her the courtesy of speaking in private. I knew she had problems when we were together; she was actually really down on herself all the time, while still trying to act like she was in control. Jasper was right…we probably could have avoided all that ugliness if I would have just talked to her sooner.

What Jasper doesn't know is that she tried to talk to me between our first and second classes, but I blew her off. Sure, Mike was standing there and I didn't want him to look at me like I was some kind of pussy or something by crawling back to her, but mostly I ignored her because I was afraid. We were so angry with each other on Friday, after her altercation with Jasper, that I didn't want to give her the chance to explain or apologize. I was afraid I might cave into her wishes again if I let her talk to me. I pushed her away, even quietly taunted her when Mike turned away for a minute. I told her she was a skank and I never wanted to touch her again. I saw the devastation on her face then, but I was too arrogant and too scared to care. Then Mike turned back around to me and we took off for our next class, leaving her standing by herself in the hall. She tried once more right before lunch, but I physically pushed her out of my way and into Lauren, who was standing next to her, like she was dirt. They both hit the floor, but I just kept walking. I knew she was feeling desperate, but I let the tension build anyway. Yep, lunch was all on me.

Now she has disappeared. She hasn't been back to school, and she never picked up her phone Monday when I tried to call her. I did leave her a message to call me, but I never heard from her. By Tuesday, her cell was disconnected. I've discretely asked around, but no one has seen her anywhere. I thought about going over to her house, but I just can't bring myself to face her in person. God, I think I may have really fucked her up.

So here I sit, waiting for Dr. Carlisle to call me into his office. I have so much to fix, with Jasper, with my folks, even with Bella. But mostly, I have to figure out how I am going to get my head around to being me. I am so embarrassed that I told Jasper I loved him. Maybe that is part of why I have been holding back from him now. I'm glad he doesn't hate me for being gay. I guess that is almost the least of my problems right now.

I still haven't been able to get my head around why I actually tried to kill myself. I don't think that was really my intention…I just kinda got carried away with it. There is a good reason that my folks don't keep much liquor in the house. I know that I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism, on both my mom and my dad's sides of the family. They have spoken with me on several occasions about drinking, and I have always acquiesced to their warnings. At parties with my friends I am always the designated driver because I refuse to even have one beer. I wish…

"Hi Edward, come on in!"

_Oh boy…here we go. _"Hi Dr. Carlisle. Nice to see you again."

"So Edward, what would you like to start with today?"

"Umm…I…I don't really know."

"Well, when I spoke with your mother, she suggested that some of your difficulties may have started when you and your friend, Jasper is it, stopped seeing so much of each other. I told her that friends grow apart, but she didn't think that that was what was going on. Is there something in that, do you think?"

"Umm…maybe…"

Dr. Carlisle just sat there looking at me for what felt like hours, but I am sure it was only a few minutes. I realized I was fidgeting in my chair and picking at my nails. Nervous much? Finally I just couldn't stand the suspense any longer, and I broke first.

"Umm…Jasper and I kinda made up…well, anyway, we were kinda okay on Sunday."

"Did something happen after that for you to no longer be 'kinda okay'?"

"We…ummm…we had a sorta fight on Monday."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Doc, I…I don't think I can yet. Can we maybe talk about something else?"

"Edward, I am here for you. We can talk about anything you wish."

"Well then…something Jasper said on Sunday kinda has me upset."

"Go on…"

"Well, you see, when we were kids, Jasper's dad used to hit him all the time. And then sometimes Jasper would kinda like, hit me. I told him it was his dad's fault, not his…but he just didn't believe me. I never told anyone when it happened because I didn't want him to get into trouble. Hell, his dad might of killed him or somethin'. He was pretty crazy with Jasper and his mom, if you know what I mean…"

"And what has you upset about this now?"

"When we were talkin' about it on Sunday, Jasper got really hysterical and I had a hard time gettin' him to come back…It was like he didn't hear me or somethin'."

"Why do you think he got hysterical, Edward?"

"Well, that's kinda what I want to talk about. Why didn't he believe what I said about it being his dad and not him?"

"Edward, are you sure that it was only his dad?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you dismissing Jasper's part in all this?"

"Is that what I'm doing? Cause it just feels to me like he shouldn't be beating himself up over it. His dad treated him really bad, so how could I get mad at him? He got kinda upset that I never told anyone what was happening. Isn't that what being friends is all about?"

"What do you think?"

"Well…I think that I was protecting him."

"At your own expense, Edward?"

"Umm…maybe. I mean, I got over it, so what's the big deal?"

"Edward, do you think it was all right to allow someone to beat you up?"

I didn't know what to say to that. I guess what the Doc was saying made sense. But that would mean that Jasper did something wrong by hitting me. No one seems to get that it was his dad's fault…Man, I am really confused.

"Edward?..."

"So what you are saying is, maybe I should have done something about it when it was happening?"

"What do you think?"

"Well…he hurt me a lot…but I know he didn't mean too." Oh my God…I think I just realized where the Doc is going with this!

"Umm…Doc? If I had said something to my mom or dad, maybe someone could have helped Jasper, huh?"

"Perhaps. But the question is…Edward, did you somehow feel you deserved to get hit?"

"Well…Jasper was getting hit all the time…and we always did everything together…I guess somehow I thought I could take some of the pain on me and it would help him cope better. Now I'm saying it, it does sound kinda stupid."

"No Edward…not stupid…but perhaps you did have trouble seeing past the smaller incidences to be able to concentrate on the big picture back then. You were a kid, and you couldn't be expected to fix your friend. Don't beat yourself up over being loyal to Jasper. I have the feeling that you have been holding on to this for quite a while now."

"I didn't deserve it, did I?"

"No one deserves to be hit, Edward."

"What can I do to help him?"

"Perhaps you need to help yourself first. Were you angry with him when he hit you?"

"Well…yeah…I guess I was. I just kept telling myself he didn't mean it…but sometimes I'd get so mad at him. I mean…why couldn't he just stop? But then I'd see the bruises and cuts and stuff that his dad gave him, and I'd feel bad for being mad."

"Are you still angry with him?"

"Sometimes."

"How do you handle that?"

"I just…I just do what I always do. I tell myself it isn't really him."

"Where does your anger go, Edward?"

I couldn't answer him. I knew where it went. I kept it inside until it made me feel like I had no control of my life any more.

"What are you thinking about, Edward?"

"I take it out on myself."

"And…" the Doc prompted me.

"And, I let it all build up, on top of everything else including the way Bella was treating me, and the confusion about who I really am…and Friday night I got drunk and cut my wrists, trying to get the pain to go away…"

I started sobbing and everything came clear for me. I was right…I wasn't trying to kill myself…just let the pain out. Doc came over and put his arm around my shoulders, setting a box of kleenix on the table in front of me.

"Edward…do you think you might hurt yourself again?"

"No…no Doc…I don't think I could do that to my mom ever again. And…and I don't want to do it to myself either. Can you help me so I don't?"

"That is why we are here today, Edward. I am going to give you a phone number that you can use any time of the day or night. I want you to call me if you ever get to hurting that bad again, okay? I mean it Edward…I am here for you anytime you need me. Can you call me if you feel that bad again?"

"Yeah…yeah I can. I promise I will call before I do anything that stupid again. Thanks Doc. I…I really appreciate you helping me, you know."

"Any time Edward…any time."

Dr. Carlisle stood and put his hand on my shoulder (I didn't notice how cold his hand was until just now. Humph…I don't think it is that cold in here. Oh well…) and gave it a little squeeze. I knew our time was up, but I had to tell him…

"Doc. I gotta say, I think I am looking forward to seeing you next week. I didn't think this was going to be anything much…but I guess I have revised my opinion today."

"Well, thank you Edward…I think that may have been a compliment!"

**A/N Next up, Jasper's revelations about his own problems. Then the story will move through a few years a bit faster. Please let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapter 11 Thursday Therapy Session

**Hope you are all enjoying your Memorial Day Weekend, for those of you in the USA. **

**I don't own anything but my imagination, as I've stated clearly in previous chapters. Still trying to figure out a way to at least rent Jasper though!**

**Chapter 11 – Thursday Therapy Session**

**JPOV**

It hasn't been so easy being around Edward since Monday. I don't know why I am still upset about it all, but something is still preying on my mind. I hope the Doc can help. Until the past few days, I never thought I would be happy to talk about my problems and stuff with someone who wasn't Edward, but I think now that this might be a good thing for me. Right as mom and I were leaving after dinner, I did hear Edward dial Bella's number, so maybe I should just give him the benefit of the doubt. It is just that he kinda is putting me off right now. He is more distant then I thought he would be after our talk on Sunday. I just don't get it.

I am also feeling like I am being watched. I can't explain it…but I think Father might be back. I thought I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye when Edward and I were walking home Monday night, but maybe I was just on edge after fighting with Edward. I don't know…maybe I'm just nuts.

"Hi Jasper, I am Dr. Carlisle Cullin. Come on in and have a seat. You can call me Dr. Carlisle, or even Doc, if it makes you more comfortable."

_Man, his hand is cold. Maybe he needs to crank the heat up in here. _

"Hi Dr. Carlisle. Thanks for seeing me."

"So tell me a little about yourself."

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything you care to tell me about: your friends, your family…your choice."

"Well…I guess I am here cause I've been fighting a lot lately, and I also ran away on Saturday…but I came back so maybe that's not such a big deal."

"You mentioned it, so why don't we talk about Saturday."

"Okay…ummm…what do you want to know?"

"Let's start at the beginning…what happened after you got up in the morning?"

"Well…I didn't sleep very well Friday night, so I was feeling pretty bad Saturday morning. I took some pills for my headache, and then got showered."

"Please continue."

"Okay…then mom called me downstairs and said we had to go to the hospital, but she was crying and didn't tell me why we had to go. I got kinda upset with her, but I was also kinda worried cause I didn't know what was going on. Well…we got there and Mrs. Masen was crying, and she still had her robe and slippers on, and I finally figured out that something had happened to Eddie. We got called into his room, and then everything just kinda happened real fast. Eddie was in a bed with bandages on his wrists, and then Mrs. Mason slapped me, and then I just took off."

"Did you know why Edward was in bed with bandages on his wrists?"

"Well duh…I'm not stupid, Doc! I figured he musta hurt himself on purpose…I think he was trying to kill himself." I murmured "idiot" but I think the Doc may have heard me.

"Why do you think that?"

"Seems kinda obvious!"

"It sounds like you were upset."

"Gees Doc…what do you think? Course I was upset!"

"Why?"

"Well…I mighta had something to do with it."

"Please explain."

I had to sit there for a minute and think. Did I really want to get into all this? Maybe I can just give him a cut and dried version and skip all the real stuff. _Wonder if he would buy that?_

"Umm…well…Eddie and I had a talk about some stuff and I might not have been to good with how I handled it…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well shit Doc…do we really need to get into all that?"

"What makes you uncomfortable about talking about your discussion, Jasper?"

"I didn't say I was uncomfortable."

"How would you define your reaction just now?"

_This therapy stuff is a lot harder then I thought it was going to be! I don't know if I should just tell him what Eddie said or not. I mean…isn't that tellin' secrets or something? Can I really break Eddie's confidence like that?_

"Doc. Look, here's the deal…I don't think I should tell you what Eddie and I talked about…it's kinda personal, if you catch my drift…"

"Well, Jasper…if you don't feel like you can talk about it right now, let's just continue on with Saturday."

"Okay…well…let's just say that I didn't handle our discussion well on Friday night and may have really upset Eddie, and maybe that is why he hurt himself."

"So you think you may be responsible for Edward's actions?"

"Well…yeah…haven't you been listening to what I'm saying?"

"It seems we may be talking in circles right now, so why don't we skip ahead."

"Okay. So anyway, Doc…some things got said and I figured it was all my fault so I took off."

"Where did you go, Jasper?"

"I don't know…I just ran for a while until I found a little park. I was really hungry because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch on Friday, but I didn't have any money on me. It was also pretty cold, and I didn't have a jacket. I tried to get a few bucks by asking this business dude who was across the street, but he blew me off, so I just sat on the bench in the park and tried to figure out what I was going to do."

"Sounds like you were getting a little frightened."

"Again…duh Doc! You really know how to state the obvious don't you. Anyway, I was sitting there and this really disgusting dude cuddled up next to me. When I tried to move away, he wouldn't let me. One thing led to another, and, well…he kinda got me down on the ground and he…groped…me."

"Jasper, I am sensing a lot of fear, but your voice is rather unemotional right now. Why are you trying to hide your emotions?"

"It's just not all that important. I came back, so like I said before…what's the big deal?"

"Jasper, a man put his hands on you inappropriately, and you don't think it is a big deal?"

"Well maybe…but it's over now…so yeah…no big deal."

"Okay, Jasper. Let's leave this for now. Your mom told me that your Father was extremely abusive to both you and her when you were younger. Would you like to tell me about that?"

"Well, yeah. He hit me a lot. And he used to lock me in my room to toughen me up, he said."

"What do you mean, Jasper?"

"Well, he would get mad and beat me up, and then he would lock me in my room for a day or two, once three days, with no food or water. He wouldn't even let me out to use the bathroom, and then he'd punish me for messin' up my room. It wasn't like I had a choice or anything. I was just a little kid, Doc!"

"Where was your mom when he was doing this?"

"Father was beating her up too, and, I think he was doing even worse things."

"What do you mean, Jasper?"

"I get the feeling that he was…making her have sex with him…when she didn't want to. I don't know for sure, but thinking back on it, he used to go into her room at night and hit her and then she would cry a lot. I don't know if a husband can rape his wife, but that's the way I'd describe it now. When he wasn't doing that, he was also lockin' her up so she couldn't leave or anything."

"What did you do in response to all the things your Father was doing to you and your mom?"

"Well, I got mad, but I couldn't do anything about it with him. Sometimes I'd hit Eddie, but I never meant to hurt him. He doesn't think it was my fault, but I sure wish he wouldn't have hidden it like he did. I feel really bad about what I did. It's kinda like Father was in my head and makin' me do it. I feel like he set me up to hurt Eddie, and then just sat back and watched. He used to tell me how weak and stupid Eddie was, and sometimes I almost believed him. If he thought Eddie was so bad, why didn't he just not let me see him? It's all just so twisted!"

"I heard you say that you felt like your Father was in your head. What do you mean by that, Jasper?"

"Well, I tried to explain it to Eddie, but I'm not really sure if he believed me. It's like I can hear him tell me to do bad stuff, you know, like hitting Eddie and other stuff, like he was right next to me. It's his voice, I swear it is. Eddie thinks I'm making it up, but I don't think I am. Am I crazy Doc?"

"No, Jasper. I don't think you are crazy. I think your Father abused both you and your mother, and you associate everything bad in your life with him. I understand from your mother that he is not currently in your life. Is that true?"

"Well…maybe I am crazy because I swear I saw him Monday afternoon, and I have this really creepy feeling that I'm being watched. It's like I'll be doing something and then I get this chill up my back. I don't know how else to describe it. He hasn't been to the house that I know of, and the cops couldn't find him after the last time he put me in the hospital, but I just have this feeling…"

"Are you feeling unsafe?"

"Kinda…but like I said…I can't put my finger on it…"

"How does that make you feel, Jasper."

"How do I feel? Well, kinda out of control, if you know what I mean. It just feels like, no matter what I do or where ever I am, I'm just not safe. I know I sound like a whiny baby, but…you don't think he'll come back, do you?"

"I don't know, Jasper. If you are having these feelings, maybe there is something to them. Perhaps you should talk to your mom about this. You could, however, be reacting to what happened to you as a child, and even the out of control feeling you must have had when that man touched you on Saturday. It is sometimes difficult for someone who has been abused to feel they are in control of their life."

"Does it get any better?" _Please tell me it gets better! It's hard to live like this, constantly out of control! Please tell me it gets better!_

"I can help you feel better, Jasper, but we will have to work together to get there. Your mom told me that you have been fighting a lot lately. Is there something that you feel is setting you off?"

"Maybe. Since we've been talking today, I'm feeling like maybe all of this stuff has the same reason behind it. Maybe I just need to be the boss or something. What do you think?"

"I think that is a very acute observation, Jasper. You may be right that a lack of control is causing your difficulties. We are almost out of time today, but I would like to continue talking about this, if you are agreeable."

"Yeah, Doc. I think I'd like that. You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks. So…next Thursday?"

"Yes Jasper…next Thursday."

"Well, Doc…maybe this talking stuff is a good thing. I feel better somehow. I know we haven't fixed me or anything yet, but I guess maybe I can be fixed?"

"Oh Jasper, you don't need to be fixed. You are not broken. We just need to help you find acceptable ways to deal with your feelings and your anger. Trust me son, this will all get better."

**A/N Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Your reviews are the only way I know anyone is reading what I write. The next chapter will move the timeline along, since we now know what both boys are dealing with.**


	12. Chapter 12 Birthdays

_**Sorry for the delay...real life and a bad fall resulting in back problems kinda took its toll on me.**_

_**But I am here now. Wish I could claim the characters...Jasper my darlin', how I want you!...but SM owns everything but my story ideas and my deaf dalmatian. Please leave me a review and let me know you are still reading! Thanks**!_

**Chapter 12 – Birthdays**

**JPOV**

Life passed by more sedately then the preceding months. Edward and I continued our individual therapy sessions, first weekly and then bi-monthly. Neither of us saw a reason to meet together, and neither our parents nor the Doc pushed us into it. Looking back, perhaps that was a mistake. Had we gotten together to talk, life may have taken a slightly different direction for us. Hindsight is 20/20 I'm told. Anyway, eventually, Dr. Carlisle told our moms that he felt our issues were less acute and we were allowed to quit seeing him. It was with the understanding that we would call him if we felt we needed to, with his urging to not let any problems escalate until they felt insurmountable. I missed our talks sometimes. I really liked having a man that I could share things with, but I was happy to be getting better too.

Edward finally told his mom and dad that he was gay. It took him a few months of talking with the Doc, who acted as a mediator and set up a joint session between Edward and his parents, for Edward to spill it all, but the severe consequences he anticipated never materialized. Edward never told me much about that session, merely saying that his mom was okay with everything but his dad needed some time to get his head around it all. I know that his dad eventually let Edward know that he loved and supported him, no matter how he identified himself.

My fifteenth birthday occurred shortly after we both started therapy. With everything going on, it was a quiet affair. Mom took me out to the diner in town for dinner and we had some awesome cheesecake, instead of the traditional birthday cake. Edward did wish me happy birthday and got me some movie tickets and other small stuff, but, all in all, life passed quietly and without incident.

Initially, my mom was stressed about the possibility that Father may have come back. She was worried about how I was feeling and how I would deal with him if he returned. She alerted the police, as Doc suggested, but there was really nothing they could do until Father actually showed himself or started trouble. I urged her to be more aware of her surroundings because I was afraid for her, but it was hard to stay on high alert when month flowed into month and nothing happened. We were both lulled into complacency and I gradually discounted the spine tingling and prickling sensations I still experienced intermittently. Occasionally I caught glimpses of movement in the corner of my eye, but when I turned my head there was never anything there. Father faded into the background where he belonged, and I sincerely hoped he would stay there for the rest of my life.

One large change did happen for me. With Doc's help I learned to channel my anger and aggression into more positive avenues. I ran every morning, rain or shine, with or without Edward, so my days could start peacefully. While running I learned to reach a meditative state of relaxation that helped me react calmly to stressors during the rest of my day. Mom also purchased a heavy bag for me, and when I became overwhelmed with life I could take out all my rage and fear on the bag instead of the people around me. At my insistence, mom found a photo of Father, which I had duplicated into a life-sized head-shot and pasted it on the heavy bag. At first, she was sure I was regressing, but when she saw that it actually initiated a lot of my release which contributed to my serenity, she relaxed and let me do what I needed. It felt good to beat on the subject of so much pain.

Edward and I grew closer once again, but there was an unspoken agreement that we would keep a bit of distance between us now, both physically and emotionally. I knew we would never experience the camaraderie of our earlier days but I was happy to have him in my life so I never pushed him to be more then he wanted to be with me. Edward never verbally repeated what he had told me that fateful weekend when all hell broke loose. I guess loving me was something he was able to get over. At first, the absence of his affirmation of love was a welcomed relief, but gradually, it began to weigh on me. I wondered how he could so easily negate his feelings.

I realized as I matured that I was gay, just like Edward. It wasn't an overnight "light bulb" event, but rather a quiet awakening for me. When I looked at my response to the girls at school, and how I identified feelings of lust and curiosity with the boys around me, I wondered if the gods were chuckling and if Edward and I were thrown together at such a young age for a reason. Maybe Father did see something between us. However, I refused to make Edward's mistakes. I had started talking openly with my mom right after I began therapy with the Doc, so it was easy to discuss my revelations about my sexuality. She took it well, only telling me she was concerned about how the rest of the world would treat me. She told me she was there for me in what ever capacity I needed her…that I could rely on her always.

My talk with her about the man who assaulted me in the park the day I ran away was an entirely different matter. She was incensed that the pervert touched me and wanted to report it to the police immediately. I convinced her that I didn't want that…that it would actually hurt me to have to keep reliving that incident. After some persuasion on my part, she allowed the subject to drop, and I was able to put it behind me. I did, however, catch her gazing at me with anger and pity mixed together on her face, which would turn into a sad smile when I caught her eye. I realized how lucky I was that I could tell her anything, even something as horrifying as that, and she would listen with compassion and understanding. I don't know what I would ever do if she was no longer in my life.

I decided not to be open at school, or even with Edward. I knew from watching Kyle, a rather shy and studious young man in my grade who came out at school that some of the kids were cruel and antagonistic. I remained quiet, distancing myself from the worst of the kids. I realized that I was gravitating toward Kyle and his friends, but I saw no need for the grand gesture he had made. I silently lent him my support and kept the worst kids at bay with my mere presence, as they were afraid I would go off on their asses. They knew I was unstoppable once I got started and that I never lost a fight. What they didn't know was that I was relying on my previous reputation now. I had no intention of starting anything with anyone. I promised the Doc I would use my brains instead of my fists, and none of the punks at school could make me break my promise.

With Edward, it was different. I was developing real feelings for him, or maybe I had cared deeply for him all along, but since he seemed to have gotten over me, I wasn't going to open myself to the heartache of loving someone who didn't love me. I thought all the time about what he had said to me, even dreamed of his words…but I just was not about to be a sap over him. I was a fifteen years old, and I was not going to act like some little school kid. I was sure that he would tell me again if he still felt something for me, so I kept my mouth shut waiting for him to instigate that kind of interaction between us. It was hard sometimes, but necessary for my own well-being. All in all, I guess I was afraid of his reaction. I know it makes no sense…but feelings are not always rational. I didn't want his pity…and I didn't want his understanding without his love.

Don't think that we were distant, because we weren't…we just didn't hang on each other like we used to. Edward was still in the popular crowd with his own friends and I tended to hang around the fringes with mine, but it was obvious to everyone that our friendship was back on track. While it no longer occurred to me to just throw my arm over his shoulders or embrace him in any way, I did tend to grab his arm or touch his back more times then may have been necessary or even appropriate. We were "easy" with each other, but anyone looking at us would not have known we were both gay. Neither of us officially dated any girls, keeping ourselves active in group events only. Since we didn't make a big deal out of it, we flew under the nasty kids' radar. I think Edward probably figured me out, but we never discussed it; I was never put on the spot about how I felt about him. I may have begun to "suffer in silence" as my mom pointed out to me, but I wasn't about to put myself out there to get hurt by him or anyone. I guess we were both in the mindset of "don't ask, don't tell." Since most teens react to anything different that way anyway, it was easy to keep up our pretense even between each other. I had a feeling he knew, but didn't want to have to tell me he didn't love me any more. As I said…it was just easier to avoid the whole subject.

Summer arrived, but it was different from any other I had experienced. Edward got a job and was busy all the time, either with his job or his other friends, so at first I mostly kept to myself and found ways to whittle away at the time. When school let out for the summer, I left my new friends behind, still not comfortable with forging ahead without Edward.

Out of the blue, Kyle called me in the middle of July and invited me to a small get-together to celebrate his fifteenth birthday. At my mom's urging, I attended. We all had a great time swimming and barbequing, and I starting hangin' with him and a few other kids. When I finally felt comfortable enough to come out to them, they were not at all surprised by my announcement. They told me they respected my strength now, and also thanked me for my silent support during school when Kyle first came out, and promised to keep my secret when school started again. It turned into a really good summer…one that was not dependent on Edward's attendance.

This was the first summer ever that I made new friends and Kyle and I became very good friends. We decided we weren't each other's type, but we did practice kissing a few times before we came to that realization. It was freeing and terrifying all at the same time. I wondered if I could ever get over my crush on Edward and move on to find a new love, but I figured at fifteen I didn't need to rush it. I found I could be happy being who I was and not feel guilty for not thinking of Edward twenty-four seven. Yeah, Edward and I still hung out, but I was not as dependent on him as I had been. That actually allowed us to have some great times together that summer that were not wrought with angst. I guess we were both growing up.

I found that I was reluctant, however, to include Edward into my new group of friends because I didn't want to be forced to "come out of the closet" with him. Besides, they were my friends, and he didn't share everything or everyone with me. Childish…yes. I was still hurt by his inability to continue to love me, after he told me he did. I didn't want him or thoughts of him to intrude on my little piece of heaven. After all…they say ignorance is bliss…and I liked being able to keep up our façade of best friends without having to be totally open to him.

School started and a month or so later Edward's seventeenth birthday arrived. He decided to celebrate with a huge blow-out party at his house. Everyone from school was invited. When I arrived a little late, he never even noticed, which kinda put me out of sorts for a while. He was in the middle of the room dancing, with a soda in his hand, as he sang along to the song at the top of his lungs. Even though I walked over to him and wished him Happy Birthday, he waved me off and continued dancing with his other friends. He didn't actually approach me until towards the end of the evening. I was talking with Kyle and my other friends when Edward tugged on my arm, pulling me away and into a dark corner.

"What are you doing hanging out with that gay kid?" Edward asked rather heatedly. "Are you trying to out me?"

"Edward, the world doesn't revolve around you and your gayness!" I whisper shouted. "I like Kyle and his friends…I am comfortable with them."

"Are you gay?"

"Edward…"

"Cause you haven't told me you're gay and I AM supposed to be your best friend!"

"Edward…"

"Don't you think I have a right to hear you say the words to me, just like I did for you? Am I not important enough to you? How come you didn't come to me when you knew?" Edward was getting increasingly agitated and louder as he continued.

I pulled him into his dad's office and closed the door so no one would hear us, as I answered his questions.

"If you would let me speak, maybe I can tell you what you want to hear. I am gay, but I am not interested in you outing me by shouting and being a dick! Besides, how could I possibly be outing you by hangin' with my friends? I figured you knew I was gay, so I saw no reason to discuss it. Why are you so upset? You have your friends and I have mine, and I like it that way. What is your problem?"

Edward sat down with a thud on top of his dad's desk, and put his face in his hands.

"I'm losing you aren't I?"

"Edward, no! We are still friends. It's just that you have been so busy with work and school and all your other friends…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I…I…don't know exactly…"

"You don't think that is something I might want to know?"

I couldn't think of anything to say. This was my fuck up and I had no clue how to get out of this without telling him I loved him. I knew he no longer loved me and there was just no way I was puttin' myself out there, only to be disappointed. I wanted to run, just like I had a year ago, but I owed it to him, to myself, to at least say something.

"I'm sorry Edward. I just gradually came to the realization that I was gay and never knew how to bring it up. It is not like we spend much time alone with each other any more. I know you don't want anyone to know about you and neither do I, about me I mean, so can we just forget about it right now?"

Edward looked at me and shook his head. "When you decide to let me into your life, let me know." With that, he jumped down from the desk and walked toward the door, brushing against my shoulder and knocking me aside as he went past. Right before he closed the door behind him, he mumbled, "Maybe you should trust me a little more…like I used to trust you."

I stood in his dad's office…could have been minutes…could have been hours, my mind a jumbled mess. When I finally rejoined the party, I found Kyle and told him I would see him at school. He asked if I was okay and I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally. He looked at me for a moment, appraising my attitude, but said nothing else. All of us said our goodbyes and I walked home alone, still trying to rationalize how badly I had fucked up with Edward. I don't know where Edward was when I left his house and I was glad I didn't run into him. I don't know what set him off and I had a lot of thinking to do.

What a great start to this school year…NOT!


End file.
